Tammy Rolfe Bite Size Support For Anxiety And Panic Relief

Body Dysmorphia - Stripping for Confidence

Body Dysmorphia Burlesque for confidence

Body Dysmorphia - Stripping Back the Layers for Body Confidence

Body Dysmorphia is something that I have struggled with most of my life, and I hope my sharing this very personal and unique experience can give you hope and inspiration in your journey too.

They say therapy is like the peeling of an onion, carefully peeling back a layer at a time to reveal your inner beauty. Yes, sometimes it can be raw, and ugly, and it can make you cry, but it is so worth it in the end.

I say, therapy can also be like stripping for a Burlesque show, and this was my experience when I crazily signed up for an 8-week course back in late 2023.

The journey was so much more than I could have imagined, it was also raw at times and made me cry, but the result of loving the skin I am in was absolutely worth it.

BDD - What is Body Dysmorphia?

Growing up I never knew I had a mental health condition called BDD, I just knew I was ugly, I knew I was fat, and I knew I was hairy.

How did I know this? Because I had been told many times mainly at school where my looks were used as a way to belittle me and make others feel better. “You look like a man”, and “Gorilla” were the most hurtful comments.

I also knew this because I had eyes, and I could see the hair on my face, arms and legs, way more than the other girls and a lot of the boys too!

At the time, I didn't know I had PCO, Polycystic ovary syndrome, instead, I thought the excessive hair was another sign I was weird or not normal, it was ugly and shameful.

I know better now, but at the time it was just another thing that proved I was different and not quite good enough.

Body Dysmorphia is classed as a mental health condition where you spend a lot of time worrying about what you look like. It can be life disrupting or life destroying depending on how much of a hold it has on you. Help can come in many forms, tackling the root cause, the beliefs you have about yourself or just go and get naked in front of hundreds of people on a stage! I have done all 3.

"Feeling beautiful has nothing to do with what you look like."- Emma Watson

The way you look has nothing to do with your self-image, this was proved as I was scrolling through a group recently on Facebook. The group is for women 40 plus building muscle and toning. This group is very positive with lots of inspiring women at all different stages of their muscle-building journey. I was very sad to see a post on body dysmorphia where multiple ladies posted their pictures and talked of having the disorder or suspecting they had it because partners had pointed it out. These women were all stunning! Beautiful figures, again all shapes and sizes but very toned and of athletic build.

I know as a therapist that it has nothing to do with looks or shape, as I have teenagers, men and women of all ages who say they are ugly or do not feel confident in their appearance. I also know it does not matter what I or others say in reply, because the belief is too ingrained, and needs to be addressed at its core to have an impact. A compliment can just cause more discomfort or add negative emotion.

Body Dysmorphia and Anxiety

Anyone who follows me on social media will know that I believe anxiety is created by a combination of habits, past trauma and thinking styles such as catastrophising, perfectionism and black and white thinking.

As a therapist, I have been working on my thinking styles for many years now, and I'm not ashamed to say sometimes my clients hold a mirror up to me as much as I do to them!

We are always learning.

So it is not going to shock you to learn that I came across a few negative thinking styles when it was my time to strip in front of my fellow classmates and one extremely big mirror!

Perfectionism, black-and-white thinking, minimising the positive, and magnifying the negative (magnifying the size of my thighs and minimising my boobs mainly!) were all rearing their ugly head.

And there was me thinking I had done so much work on myself that I was going to smash this. DOH.

Am I ugly

In all seriousness, I had done a lot of work. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with Social Phobia because I could not look at people, I couldn't eat in front of people, I struggled to talk to people and there were days when I felt so ugly that I couldn't leave the house.

I had my first child at 21, so still struggling with this crippling anxiety I had to navigate being a mum which meant I HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. As a parent, you often have no choice in doing things you don't want to, thank goodness, or I would have been a recluse, trapped in my home for fear of people seeing the ugliness that was me.

I very clearly remember a time when my baby ran out of nappies, so I put her in the pram, and we walked fifteen minutes to the local shops. Once in the shop, I started to feel panicky. I went very hot and felt flustered, my hands started to shake, and I needed to get out of there!

I grabbed the nappies, paid and I ran all the way home. I remember thinking “What if someone sees me?” I felt so ugly and disgusting that it was embarrassing and cripplingly shameful (although I couldn’t name that feeling at the time) to be out of the house.

I, like so many others, took part in CBT and talking therapies which gave me some relief but mainly helped me to live with high-functioning anxiety. Over the years I continued to prioritise my mental health, which I called, getting help to be happy. Not very helpful to reinforce that you’re not happy, as if that is at all possible to feel happy 100% of the time (insert rolling eye emoji).

I thought I was broken and continuously searched for the person who would fix me and enable me to feel comfortable in my skin.

As time went on, I did feel happier and more confident, but I would still have major meltdowns if my clothes didn’t look right or my stomach wasn’t flat on a night out.

Some evenings I would struggle to leave the toilets after looking in the mirror and just seeing the yuk that was me! My nose, my teeth, my arms, my stomach, it was all disgusting and if there was any way at all to have been able to crawl out of my skin, my goodness, I would have done it!

Instead, I ordered another shot at the bar and got through it.

Timeline Therapy

It was only recently after training in Timeline Therapy myself that I sought the support I needed to let go of shame and guilt, two very strong emotions that are often associated with body dysmorphia.

My teacher Ewan Mochrie, MD, Co-Founder of Inspire 360 helped me to understand that the strong beliefs I held about myself could be undone using NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and Timeline therapy, something I now use with my clients. So with the amazing gentle support of Debbie Hague, I set about peeling back some more layers and shredding the old guilt and shame that covered every inch of my body.

It was because of all this work that I felt ready to close this chapter of my life with a bang! Or to be precise, with a flurry of pink and red glittery hearts cascading over my naked body in front of an auditorium of cheering strangers.

Just your average Sunday really.

Stripping for Confidence

If therapy is peeling back the layers this was peeling back the layers whilst on a rollercoaster! The journey was full of highs and lows, exhilarating and terrifying, sometimes all in the same lesson!

When you see it written down it feels a little scary but when you are actually in the room and you know it’s about to happen, well that’s a whole new level of mixed emotions.

I was extremely lucky that the group of ladies in my Wednesday night class were so lovely, but that didn’t stop the comparison going on in my head.

I need to be as good as her, I need to be as sexy as her, I need to be as agile as her, I need to be as confident as her…the thoughts were constant as I desperately tried to hold my head up and shake off the awkwardness I’d felt my whole life. Now I was just awkward in heels and leggings, a combination that was alien to me and did nothing for my inner sex appeal.

I think it was after week two I thought enough was enough, I'm not enjoying this and it’s an amazing opportunity that I do not want to regret or miss out on, so I took action.

I started reading the book ‘The Joy of Imperfection’ by Damon Zahariades. It’s short and to the point which is great for ADHD brain. One of the points he made was to take myself out of the competition. So as it was me putting myself in the competition (there was no actual competition on the course) I could take myself out of it. And if there were no competition, what was left? Just fun! Again, DOH!

I also spoke to my sister and my niece who gave great advice too, so, with my new tactics in place, I set off to London with a brand-new attitude and some sexy music in my headphones. I also stopped wearing the leggings and put my leather skirt on, oohh, that felt better already. Nothing like a bit of leather and heels to get you in the mood.

Fear of embarrassment

I had one big wobble during the whole course, apart from the multiple real-life wobbles of taking off stockings while suffering from sciatica, and that was wearing my tiny knickers for the first time. In the other sessions I’d stripped down to underwear and stockings, but I had bigger pants on. Not my usual granny knickers, but they covered half of my bum at least. Not today. Today was my next step as there was no way I was wearing big pants on stage next to these beautiful ladies in their stunning outfits and gorgeous underwear.

I hadn’t even left the house and my heart was beating out of my chest! Like CONSTANTLY! I put my music on and changed my thoughts, I shaved and lasered to an inch of my life, but that deep knowledge that I was soon to have my bum out was terrifying!

Now because I help others to stop panic attacks and to move away from constant anxiety, I didn’t have a panic attack that escalated. I was feeling fear, as my heart indicated, but I knew that my fast heart meant I was thinking about something I did not want anywhere near me, and that was humiliation. Most people are fearful of embarrassment, I'm guessing if they looked deeper underneath that embarrassment, there's more to it. Mine is humiliation. I’ll do anything to not feel that again.

What if I had missed a hair when shaving?

What if someone laughed at me? (they wouldn’t because they were so lovely, but our minds lose all rational thinking when in a panic).

So I did what any ‘normal’ 45-year-old woman would do, I told my teacher, “I might have to leave the room for a bit in this lesson because I’m panicking about having my bum out.”

Obviously, she was lovely as were my other Bandits whom I shared the information with, and my heart finally started to calm down.

The session was great, and I looked great in my little knickers, sophisticatedly pulling out a wedgy every now and then. And from then on it was easy. No one was going to laugh at me or pull me up on how I looked. No one was going to call me hairy, gorilla or fat, and if anyone did, I would survive and only I could make myself feel bad because only my thoughts on myself matter. If I did not accept that about myself then it simply was not a problem. That was a BIG learning curve!

Show Day

One of my biggest bugbears as an anxiety therapist is when people expect me not to experience anxiety, worry or nerves. As if you expect a happiness coach to only ever feel happy (again, insert eye roll emoji).

Anxiety is a natural emotion. You should feel anxiety at some points in your life. If you do not, you are not making the most out of your life.

Being stuck in anxiety is a whole different ball game. That is not okay and that needs to be addressed. No one should have to live feeling anxious every day, it is a horrible experience.

So did I feel nervous about going on stage and stripping, hell yes! But by the time show day came, it was a good nervousness. Overall, I was very calm indeed, but there were excited nerves underneath the surface which rose throughout the day. Like walking into The Bedford Hotel, and hearing that the show had started.

But generally, I was cool. So much so that I didn’t even moan, nag or stress at Steve, my husband, as he very kindly drove the 85 minutes into London and then hung around 6 hours until show time. He's a gooden’.

Did you know grumpiness and being angry can be a sign of anxiety? I just thought I’d add that in as so many are not aware.

There is very little to say about show day apart from how proud I am at not being in charge or in control. We had very little knowledge of the timings and details of the running of the event, which is well out of my comfort zone, but again, I used it as a learning, I remembered to breathe and focused on the end result which was going to be amazing!

Looking around at all the different groups and solo acts, there were so many looks, styles and body shapes. Every one of them owning their beauty and being accepted as they did so. So empowering, so inspiring, and such a relief to put down that heavy weight of not enough or fitting in. I was out of the competition, there was no need to fit in, I could just be me.

“You need to get down there now, they’re introducing you.”

And we were off! The next ten minutes were a bit of a blur, everything was so fast, so exhilarating, and so anticipated that it just flew by!

Perfectionist

I love the fact that in the video the videographer zooms in on me as we hold our guns out. In the old days, I would have beaten myself up for pulling a funny face with my mouth and not looking my best in my close-up, but I love it.

It reminds me that in that moment it was the first second I had to stop and acknowledge that this was happening, and we were doing it. Yas looked at me and smiled, and as she saw my face she mouthed,” You’ve got this, you’re amazing.” Such a lovely memory for me, and it adds to the magnitude of the event. If I had just been ‘perfect’ that memory may have been lost and along with it that feeling of pride and excitement.

Perfectionism is a common thinking style for those who struggle with a positive body image. They hold themselves to such high standards, sometimes impossible to achieve, which is sad because we often dismiss the greatness of now for what will be. Always striving to be better, and look better because ultimately, we want to feel better.

We believe if we can just….have a more defined body, fuller lips, firmer breasts, more ab definition, more hair, less hair, bigger bum, and smaller thighs, although I believe big thighs are in fashion now, I can’t keep up…

Then we will be happy, but the truth is we won't.

A perfectionist's mind will never be happy because there is always room for improvement. We are seeking out something that does not exist, and one day we will wake up with saggy skin and wrinkles if we are lucky, and regret the days when we didn’t appreciate the skin we were in.

Regret the opportunities we didn’t take because we didn’t look good enough, the memories we didn’t want to be photographed because we didn’t have our make-up on, or we hadn’t lost the weight then. Precious memories are more important than that age spot, chipped tooth or extra pound.

If there is one wish, I have for you reading this blog, it is that if you are being held back in any way in your life, you seek support. If you have goals and dreams you would like to achieve and you are not reaching for them, ask for help from someone who can get you there. If you feel awkward or hate the skin you’re in, please, I know how awful that feels, please, seek help. Prioritise feeling happy in yourself because when you do, and when you have inner confidence you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

You might want to use your new love of self to jump on stage and perform in front of thousands, or you may want to be able to walk to the shops only thinking about what you want to buy. You may want to enjoy the beautiful sun with friends and family wearing whatever you want that day, or swim in the sea with your children, anything is possible when you truly love the skin you're in.

Burlesque for me was the end of my journey, but it may be the beginning of yours, there are no right or wrong ways to do you. Your onion is your onion, how you peel it is up to you. Stripping back the layer of doubt, insecurities and negative beliefs is unique to you, there are no right or wrong ways. As in stripping for burlesque, you may want to tease with a slide of the glove, shimmy your way down to expose a sexy thigh, sashay your arm out of your bra or fling those clothes right off of your stage!

The world is your stage, and you are the star, you may as well own it.

You are the main character of your life’s story; it’s time to give your audience something to be inspired by. Kevin Ngo