Body Dysmorphia

Stripping Back the Layers for Body Confidence

Body Dysmorphia and Anxiety

Anyone who follows me on social media will know that I believe anxiety is created by a combination of habits, past trauma and thinking styles such as catastrophising, perfectionism and black and white thinking.

As a therapist, I have been working on my thinking styles for many years now, and I'm not ashamed to say sometimes my clients hold a mirror up to me as much as I do to them!

We are always learning.

So it is not going to shock you to learn that I came across a few negative thinking styles when it was my time to strip in front of my classmates and one extremely big mirror! 

Perfectionism, black-and-white thinking, minimising the positive, and magnifying the negative (magnifying the size of my thighs and minimising my boobs mainly!) were all rearing their ugly head.

And there was me thinking I had done so much work on myself that I was going to smash this. DOH.

Am I ugly?

In all seriousness, I had done a lot of work. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with Social Phobia because I could not look at people, I couldn't eat in front of people, I struggled to talk to people and there were days when I felt so ugly that I couldn't leave the house. 

I had my first child at 21, so still struggling with this crippling anxiety I had to navigate being a mum which meant I HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. As a parent, you often have no choice in doing things you don't want to, thank goodness, or I would have been a recluse, trapped in my home for fear of people seeing the ugliness that was me.

I very clearly remember a time when my baby ran out of nappies, so I put her in the pram, and we walked fifteen minutes to the local shops. Once in the shop, I started to feel panicky. I went very hot and felt flustered, my hands started to shake, and I needed to get out of there!

I grabbed the nappies, paid and I ran all the way home. I remember thinking “What if someone sees me?” I felt so ugly and disgusting that it was embarrassing and cripplingly shameful (although I couldn’t name that feeling at the time) to be out of the house.

I, like so many others, took part in CBT and talking therapies which gave me some relief but mainly helped me to live with high-functioning anxiety. Over the years I continued to prioritise my mental health, which I called, getting help to be happy. Not very helpful to reinforce that you’re not happy, as if that is at all possible to feel happy 100% of the time (insert rolling eye emoji).

I thought I was broken and continuously searched for the person who would fix me and enable me to feel comfortable in my skin.

As time went on, I did feel happier and more confident, but I would still have major meltdowns if my clothes didn’t look right or my stomach wasn’t flat on a night out.

Some evenings I would struggle to leave the toilets after looking in the mirror and just seeing the yuk that was me! My nose, my teeth, my arms, my stomach, it was all disgusting and if there was any way at all to have been able to crawl out of my skin, my goodness, I would have done it!

Instead, I ordered another shot at the bar and got through it.

Stripping for Confidence

If therapy is peeling back the layers this was peeling back the layers whilst on a rollercoaster! The journey was full of highs and lows, exhilarating and terrifying, sometimes all in the same lesson!

When you see it written down it feels a little scary but when you are actually in the room and you know it’s about to happen, well that’s a whole new level of mixed emotions.

I was extremely lucky that the group of ladies in my Wednesday night class were so lovely, but that didn’t stop the comparison going on in my head.

I need to be as good as her, I need to be as sexy as her, I need to be as agile as her, I need to be as confident as her…the thoughts were constant as I desperately tried to hold my head up and shake off the awkwardness I’d felt my whole life. Now I was just awkward in heels and leggings, a combination that was alien to me and did nothing for my inner sex appeal.

I think it was after week two I thought enough was enough, I'm not enjoying this and it’s an amazing opportunity that I do not want to regret or miss out on, so I took action.

I started reading the book ‘The Joy of Imperfection’ by Damon Zahariades. It’s short and to the point which is great for ADHD brain. One of the points he made was to take myself out of the competition. So as it was me putting myself in the competition (there was no actual competition on the course) I could take myself out of it. And if there were no competition, what was left? Just fun! Again, DOH!

I also spoke to my sister and my niece who gave great advice too, so, with my new tactics in place, I set off to London with a brand-new attitude and some sexy music in my headphones. I also stopped wearing the leggings and put my leather skirt on, oohh, that felt better already. Nothing like a bit of leather and heels to get you in the mood.

Fear of embarrassment

I had one big wobble during the whole course, apart from the multiple real-life wobbles of taking off stockings while suffering from sciatica, and that was wearing my tiny knickers for the first time. In the other sessions I’d stripped down to underwear and stockings, but I had bigger pants on. Not my usual granny knickers, but they covered half of my bum at least. Not today. Today was my next step as there was no way I was wearing big pants on stage next to these beautiful ladies in their stunning outfits and gorgeous underwear.

I hadn’t even left the house and my heart was beating out of my chest! Like CONSTANTLY! I put my music on and changed my thoughts, I shaved and lasered to an inch of my life, but that deep knowledge that I was soon to have my bum out was terrifying!

Now because I help others to stop panic attacks and to move away from constant anxiety, I didn’t have a panic attack that escalated. I was feeling fear, as my heart indicated, but I knew that my fast heart meant I was thinking about something I did not want anywhere near me, and that was humiliation. Most people are fearful of embarrassment, I'm guessing if they looked deeper underneath that embarrassment, there's more to it. Mine is humiliation. I’ll do anything to not feel that again.

What if I had missed a hair when shaving?

What if someone laughed at me? (they wouldn’t because they were so lovely, but our minds lose all rational thinking when in a panic).

So I did what any ‘normal’ 45-year-old woman would do, I told my teacher, “I might have to leave the room for a bit in this lesson because I’m panicking about having my bum out.”

Obviously, she was lovely as were my other Bandits whom I shared the information with, and my heart finally started to calm down.

The session was great, and I looked great in my little knickers, sophisticatedly pulling out a wedgy every now and then. And from then on it was easy. No one was going to laugh at me or pull me up on how I looked. No one was going to call me hairy, gorilla or fat, and if anyone did, I would survive and only I could make myself feel bad because only my thoughts on myself matter. If I did not accept that about myself then it simply was not a problem. That was a BIG learning curve!

Burlesque Show

One of my biggest bugbears as an anxiety therapist is when people expect me not to experience anxiety, worry or nerves. As if you expect a happiness coach to only ever feel happy (again, insert eye roll emoji).

Anxiety is a natural emotion. You should feel anxiety at some points in your life. If you do not, you are not making the most out of your life.

Being stuck in anxiety is a whole different ball game. That is not okay and that needs to be addressed. No one should have to live feeling anxious every day, it is a horrible experience.

So did I feel nervous about going on stage and stripping, hell yes! But by the time show day came, it was a good nervousness. Overall, I was very calm indeed, but there were excited nerves underneath the surface which rose throughout the day. Like walking into The Bedford Hotel, and hearing that the show had started.

But generally, I was cool. So much so that I didn’t even moan, nag or stress at Steve, my husband, as he very kindly drove the 85 minutes into London and then hung around 6 hours until show time. He's a gooden’.

Do you know grumpiness and being angry can be a sign of anxiety? I just thought I’d add that in as so many are not aware.

There is very little to say about show day apart from how proud I am at not being in charge or in control. We had very little knowledge of the timings and details of the running of the event, which is well out of my comfort zone, but again, I used it as a learning, I remembered to breathe and focused on the end result which was going to be amazing!

Looking around at all the different groups and solo acts, there were so many looks, styles and body shapes. Every one of them owned their beauty and was accepted as they did so. So empowering, so inspiring, and such a relief to put down that heavy weight of not enough or fitting in. I was out of the competition, there was no need to fit in, I could just be me.

“You need to get down there now, they’re introducing you.”

And we were off! The next ten minutes were a bit of a blur, everything was so fast, so exhilarating, and so anticipated that it just flew by!

Perfectionist

I love that in the video the videographer zooms in on me as we hold our guns out. In the old days, I would have beaten myself up for pulling a funny face with my mouth and not looking my best in my close-up, but I love it.

It reminds me that in that moment it was the first second I had to stop and acknowledge that this was happening, and we were doing it. Yas looked at me and smiled, and as she saw my face she mouthed,” You’ve got this, you’re amazing.” Such a lovely memory for me, and it adds to the magnitude of the event. If I had just been ‘perfect’ that memory may have been lost, and along with it, the feeling of pride and excitement.

Perfectionism is a common thinking style for those who struggle with a positive body image. They hold themselves to such high standards, sometimes impossible to achieve, which is sad because we often dismiss the greatness of now for what will be. Always striving to be better, and look better because ultimately, we want to feel better.

We believe if we can just….have a more defined body, fuller lips, firmer breasts, more ab definition, more hair, less hair, bigger bum, and smaller thighs, although I believe big thighs are in fashion now, I can’t keep up…

Then we will be happy, but the truth is we won't.

A perfectionist's mind will never be happy because there is always room for improvement. We are seeking out something that does not exist, and one day we will wake up with saggy skin and wrinkles if we are lucky, and regret the days when we didn’t appreciate the skin we were in.

Regret the opportunities we didn’t take because we didn’t look good enough, the memories we didn’t want to be photographed because we didn’t have our make-up on, or we hadn’t lost the weight then. Precious memories are more important than that age spot, chipped tooth or extra pound.

If there is one wish, I have for you reading this blog, it is that if you are being held back in any way in your life, you seek support. If you have goals and dreams you would like to achieve and you are not reaching for them, ask for help from someone who can get you there. If you feel awkward or hate the skin you’re in, please, I know how awful that feels, please, seek help. Prioritise feeling happy in yourself because when you do, and when you have inner confidence you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

You might want to use your new love of self to jump on stage and perform in front of thousands, or you may want to be able to walk to the shops only thinking about what you want to buy. You may want to enjoy the beautiful sun with friends and family wearing whatever you want that day, or swim in the sea with your children, anything is possible when you truly love the skin you're in.

Burlesque for me was the end of my journey, but it may be the beginning of yours, there are no right or wrong ways to do you. Your onion is your onion, how you peel it is up to you. Stripping back the layer of doubt, insecurities and negative beliefs is unique to you, there are no right or wrong ways. As in stripping for burlesque, you may want to tease with a slide of the glove, shimmy your way down to expose a sexy thigh, sashay your arm out of your bra or fling those clothes right off of your stage!

The world is your stage, and you are the star, you may as well own it.

You are the main character of your life’s story; it’s time to give your audience something to be inspired by. Kevin Ngo

Fancy a look at the end result? 

 The Cute, the Bad and the Slutty presents, Make Love Not war. 

If you'd love to feel happier in your body try my

3 Top Tips for Creating a Positive Self-Image.

Click the link now and start making positive changes in your life.

The Dress Rehearsal

By Zoe Charles 

Breathe lung full and belly deep. Do you know how sexy you are? Not because you are doing all the things. But Because you are the thing. The shit hot thing, the hilarious, heart-beating, foot-stomping thing.

 You are it, it doesn’t get better than you.

Strip down and rise up. 

 The real reveal is you,

So stand in the light and breathe.

 The magic is not in the doing it is in the undone. 

Your magnificence is not up for debate you were born brilliant.

 But you have had to be brave so many, many times, 

 Because once, many moons ago, you believed something that wasn’t true, you were tricked into thinking that part of you was wrong and bad and undeserving.

 And you’ve had to hide that part of you, that bit of you that you are so convinced is bad, rotten to the core, the bit no one must ever know about, that shamed place. That unloved place

 And to make sure no one ever knows you there, you distract with busyness, you will wow us with the next thing and the next thing and the next thing.

 Just like we wave rattles in front of babies and sing loudly to drown out their cry, it’s not for them it’s for us. to soothe our own scared souls.

 But don’t you know, it’s that very thing we need to see, that raw and honest and real truth. We are desperate to feel, to surrender, to let go. We need to hear your cries because they awaken our own unheard voice 

 We need to see you love your soft round and dimpled flesh, to caress and pour adoration and importance on your less than perfect bits. So that we can begin to love our beautiful lived-in bodies. 

 If you show me yours……I feel safe enough to be seen also.

 It’s the light in the darkness. The power in the showing, the celebration and the glowing. It’ the only thing worth anything.

 At a time when all emotions are manipulated and spun for maximum click bait we crave truth, we crave stillness, we crave honest and vulnerable 

 We crave wonder, awe and authenticity, we crave you.

 What is it to move with truth and honour, what is it to strip with purpose and pose with presence?

There is power in our bodies. Our sexuality is sacrosanct. Our expression of it is owned only by us. It is a privilege to witness this intimacy made performative. 

Being called to the spotlight is a sacred pilgrimage and the funny thing is you think it is about you, maybe you even feel embarrassed at your frivolous desire to be seen. 

But my dear it is of course about all of us, 

 You are called to the spotlight for all of us. 

It’s braver, It’s deeper, it’s bigger, it’s bolder 

So breathe lung full and belly deep, take your moment, arms outstretched to ends of the earth, expanded to the moon, fill the room. let us escape with you, dream in your fantasy, twirl in your world, wide-eyed and hearts beating loudly.

 boom, boom, boom 

 Because of you 

 We see again, we feel again, we transform again, we are alive 

 Because of You

 I hope you know this.