For parents & carers of children experiencing anxiety

What we will cover:

• We often expect our children to have and experience emotions that we can not even understand ourselves.

By getting in touch with your own emotions and acknowledging them in front of your child, you will help them to navigate theirs. Do not be afraid to cry in front of your child, simply explain that you are feeling sad, overwhelmed, or lonely...and help your child to understand it is okay to feel that emotion and it will pass. 

Doing this allows the child to feel what they are feeling and to name it. When we try and ignore something important it never goes away, but if we address the problem we can start to tackle it. Emotions are the same. How often have you had a bad day and tried really hard to keep going but it is a massive struggle and you can't seem to find anything to smile about, but once you have a big old cry you feel ready to tackle the world again? Pushing down feelings does not make them go away it just consumes energy and is draining. 

You can use the wheel of emotions to help you and your child to talk about different feelings more or there are plenty of feelings games on the market which help identify emotions, all making them normal and part of everyday life.

This simple act can take away a lot of anxiety and stress as children who come to me will 99.9% of the time say they are the only one who feels like this, so let's make emotions normal again and at least take that pressure off their shoulders. 

Fun Games to Build Confidence

• Add in confidence boosters so your child feels more able to take on the world!

Don't get me wrong confidence is not the solution to anxiety but it certainly helps and it is something you can do at home and for free. Even if your child is outwardly very confident there may be a lack of self-belief somewhere deep inside. Having worked with children and teens and visited a school where I worked with 10-year-olds I can tell you we desperately need to build more self-belief into our children.

So how can you do that?

It's quicker and less time-consuming than you may think, but probably harder than you imagine but for different reasons! I need you as the parent to big yourself up. I know, you're probably cringing at the thought of it, but it is the same as the emotions, if you show your child you are freaking awesome, it gives your child permission to feel it themselves.

Like I say in my book, 'The Motivated Mummies guide to Confidence', be the person you want your child to be. You can tell your children until you are blue in the face that they should believe in themselves but if they see you not doing it, they won't. Simple as that. You are the best person to help your child with their confidence because you are the most important person to your child. Even those of you with teens who don't want to spend time with you, it's your opinion that keeps coming up in therapy, it's your attitude to life that is echoed in their words and it's you who they want to please and make proud. The fact is, you hold the most powerful tools in supporting your kids in becoming their best selves. 

With that said here are a couple of fun games you can try. These can be done on the walk/drive to school, over breakfast or dinner or at night time, your family is unique so do whatever works for you.

• Wishes come true

For adults, this is called setting your intentions. Don't let life dictate to you, set your intentions and experience more of what you want. For kids, it's helping them to understand that they have some form of control over their day and how they feel about things. When someone experiences anxiety it is partly (a big part) that they do not feel in control of that situation. Children need to feel in control too so help them to gain some control by teaching them to be in control of how they feel. 

Here's how it works.

"Sammy, how do you want to feel today?"

They might need prompting and you'll have to adapt it depending on their age. Give suggestions such as fun, excited, free, relaxed, friendly etc. Try and use more specific words rather than happy as that is too vague.

"What can you do to help you feel......"

This gets the child thinking of ways to achieve that feeling, ie if they want to feel friendly that day, can they bring in a sticker to give to a friend, can they offer to play with someone in the playground, can they be extra kind to someone upset... Helping them to focus on something positive rather than telling them not to worry about the thing that is bothering them will be more beneficial. 

Make sure you help them to mix up the feelings as we do not want them to always feel they must help someone. Maybe the next day they want to feel joyful or giggly, or calm and relaxed. By talking about their wish for the day and how they will aim to achieve it you help them to identify more feelings, be open to feeling something different (even if just for a short time) and they learn how to set goals and work towards achieving them too. 

If you want you can create a sticker chart for when they are home. Maybe a small sticker for EVERY time they felt that feeling today will encourage them to re-create the feeling as many times as possible. 

You can mix the game up and set each other challenges to feel certain feelings. The older the child the more detailed these feelings can be, ie, patient with the most annoying person in your class, kind to the most unkind person (even if just inside your head), understanding of someone that bugs you that sort of thing. If they set you the challenge make sure you do it and give examples of how you achieved it so they can learn. You will probably learn from them too, I know I do from my youngest.

• The proud game

"What are you MOST proud of today?"

I love this game for around the dinner table, especially including all available adults! Get those Dads involved if they're there, men love a bit of significance, it makes them feel needed and special, and everyone deserves to feel that. 

By asking what is the most, you get the brain thinking of all the proud moments and then you pick the best one. If there isn't one, but you play the games daily, it encourages you all to do things so you have something to say that night.

• Best Bit

A lot of children have problems sleeping when they are experiencing anxiety so send them off to sleep with happy thoughts. Obviously, a bedtime routine is really important whatever age they are. No social media after a certain time, time to unwind, relax etc, then before they go up to bed or in bed, depending on their age, ask the question. Again using the wording best bit so their brain searches all the good parts of the day to find the best bit. 

If you find this is a time that leads to them wanting to open their hearts and talk for hours (we've all been there when we just need them to sleep so we can collapse) move their bedtime earlier to allow for it. Also, be careful of your questions so you do not instigate negative talk. Sometimes it is easy to be surprised at an answer and double-check that they did have fun with that particular child today and they weren't unkind? This can easily change the idea behind the game.

There are many great games on the internet but these 3 ideas are quick, free and really do work to build confidence.

 *Please note this recording is old, I now work as an anxiety and panic specialist and my email address is [email protected]

Certainty and Safety

One of our basic human needs is safety. When we don't feel safe we panic it's as simple as that. If someone is chasing you with an axe you feel unsafe and the fight and flight kicks in and your body will respond with physical feelings such as a fast heartbeat, sweating, adrenaline in your legs to help you run etc. But when the fear is emotional you have no need to run but the fear is still there and still as real. So the body responds and the physical feelings show up as excessive heartbeats, sweating for no reason, shaking within your body, a feeling of disease or even that you will pass out or fall over or worse. This is all a natural response to fear, yet is terrifying to anyone let alone a young person. 

For this reason, we all seek out safety, and for most children, and a lot of adults, that safety comes in the form of their parents, often their mum. (I know there are exceptions). So for young children, this can cause separation anxiety as they are scared that when their parent leaves them there will be no one to save them from this fear. As an adult, feeling like you still need your mum can cause embarrassment and knock your confidence, but believe me it is extremely common. 

The solution is the same for both children and adults, help them to be their own safe person. Help them to believe that they can stop the fear themselves. 

It is a little more complex than I am making it sound else there would be no need for trained therapists, but here are some quick examples of how you can do that at home:

• Clothing. If your child feels safer being around you then try giving them a piece of your clothing to take with them. This could be a scarf for example that has special mummy powers ( or for a teenager, just lend it to them and remind them you are with them in spirit at school/ job interview). You could wear it a few days leading up to lending it to them and ensure it has your perfume on it. It may be an invisibility scarf or a warrior's scarf or maybe it has soothing calming powers, whatever they need, it is simply a piece of you with them. 

• This can also work with jewellery for older teens, a martial arts belt, a cap, it can be tailored to your child and their age and I have known older teens who it works for too so it's not just for youngsters.

• A favourite Teddy bear. If your child has a favourite toy that brings them comfort or courage, let them take it with them when they are away from you. If needs be, gradually you can wean them off it by talking about the feelings they have when with that toy. Can they get those feelings back by imagining them now? Play the game and help the child bring happy feelings into their body quickly by imagining different toys or funny things.

• Exercise. Exercise is especially good for older children or teenagers. It not only encourages happy hormones in the body but it helps the teen to feel in control of an area of their life. Specific sports groups like Kickboxing, Judo, Martial Arts etc, help build confidence, discipline and new friendships as well as positive attitudes. Great for children who are experiencing anxiety and bullying at school.

• Music. Find a favourite song of theirs, put it on and dance around with them. Tickle them and have as much fun while it is playing as you can. This is charging the song up with positive happy emotions. If you do this a few times the child will remember all that happiness and those positive feelings when they hear that song. You can use the song to change their feelings on the way to school, or any time they are preparing to leave you. This charging of a song works really well with teenagers who may experience anxiety outside of the home. For example, a child who finds the bus journey to school full of anxiety may charge up the song 'This Is Me' and use it to feel pumped and empowered during the journey. My song is Hot Right Now which I have played many times driving on the motorway to help me feel confident and calm. The song doesn't matter, it's how it makes them feel that's important.

If you have a child who gets very caught up in the story and can easily go down the rabbit hole or spiral into depression when talking about their problem, you can use empowering songs like Pink and This is Me to break their pattern. Play it LOUD and dance around. They may join in or they may walk off but don't be afraid to say no to spiral with them. Please note this is very different from not talking with your child about their issues, I am not suggesting you never let them speak negatively, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and it's understanding when they are speaking openly and when they are winding themselves up into an overwhelm of panic.

Be aware of rituals. The last thing we want to do is swap one problem for another so please ensure the comfort you encourage your child to try is healthy. We do not want any repetitive behaviour that can lead to OCD, no feeding for comfort, cookies do not cure sadness they create it if it leads to an eating disorder, no telling the child they NEED to have mummy's clothes to cope. Work with your child to offer them a solution that works for them but try not to make a big thing out of it. 

I know, no one said having kids were easy, but I am confident you are doing an amazing job. If you're reading this you obviously care a lot and are doing everything you can so well done you!

You can only do your best

As a parent, we put a huge amount of pressure on ourselves to ensure nothing bad happens to our kids and they are happy all the time, but life has ups and downs and children are bound to come across uncomfortable situations. We can not stop this but we can give them the tools to cope well in any new situation.

Everyone is just doing their best, including you. Look after yourself, kids can pick up on their parent's anxiety, so make sure this isn't the case for your little one. Maybe the only thing you need to do is take more time out for yourself. 

Every situation is different, these guidelines are extremely general. If you would like a free consultation where we can discuss your unique situation, get in touch today.